Happy Thanksgiving

Here's a quick run down.... I weight 123 yesterday morning which is 5 lbs up for me. Suck! I bought some colon cleanse so I'm hoping I will finally poop out all that crap food I ate this past weekend and be down a pound or two. I have concluded that I am missing trees in my diet... everything listed in colon cleanse is bark, root, or leaf of something. I officially blocked Jim on fb tonight. He didn't send any more messages tonight was just the first time I was able to get onto my computer without Logan hanging over my shoulder. Speaking of Logan... he left today to his dad's and I don't even know what state he is in right now. I sent his phone with him and will message him tomorrow... Ran out of time tonight! Physical therapy is awesome because she massages me... I love it!!! I would marry her if I was gay and she was gay and not married! Jk. I had to buy a new tire today because I ran over a screw and it went in at the curve of the tire... exactly where the tire can not be fix! So there really will be no presents for Christmas cause mama's new car had to get a new tire. I have been approved for a hardship deferment or forbearance which ever it is... basically the student loan company agrees with me that I am poor which is awesome cause I won't have to pay for a year which sucks because the loans will come due next year around this time. Anyway, now you are all updated... I head off to Coppell tomorrow. I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!!! Love you guys!

Exercise

I desparately need to start exercising and cut back on my eating. I had somewhat of a period this past week and decided a good number of issues were related to it... my boobs hurt the week before and I couldn't stop eating. I realized today that I am still just shoveling food into my mouth and my body is changing... so you guys will be hearing about my struggles with consistency cause that's the real issue. I have met and lost my ultimate goal.... can we say yo-yo.... I will start weighing in again in the morning tonight it was 125 that's 6-7 pounds up from where I was. Apparently sex served as a good exercise... now I have to start working out by myself! SUCK! LOL

Think-Believe-Become

Hopefully this blog will work better than the last...

So I decided to try something different with this blog... A big part of my life is my work. I absolutely LOVE what I do. My primary approach to therapy is a cognitive behavior approach hence the think-believe-become. It is my belief that we are a product of our thoughts. What we feed ourselves is what we get... unfortunately a lot of what we believe we are not even aware of. So much of it rides in our subconscious and can only be seen through our actions. I have realized over the past several weeks that I have some soul searching to do. I believe I shared... if not I will share now. My LPC- Supervisor Mary told me that based on my statement "I've never had a healthy relationship" it is apparent to her that I have some self-esteem issues. At first blush I thought she was crazy!!!! I have all the confidence in the world!!! Right? Hmmm... I've started to dig a bit... and it hurts some... but I believe I will be a better person for it. I know I will be a healthier person for it.
Sometimes things are said and they catch me off guard... then I need to ponder on my own. My patients tell me that they are able to work so well with me because I am relatable... I never pretend like I have it all figured out and have never struggled. In fact I tell them I'm so good at what I do because I have made so many stupid choices in life... It just serves as a nice ice breaker for newish peeps. Anyway, the other day something was said and it hit me so hard I had to write it down... "To be strong I stand with a cold heart." Instantly, I thought OMG!!! how many times in my life have I done that... What a stupid way to think! I figured out all too young that in order to survive the emotional pain I felt I could just go COLD... NUMB out and it wouldn't hurt... Turn those emotions off like a switch and all was wellish again. I know for a fact that it takes a HELL of a lot more strength to experience those emotions than it takes to numb out... I also know based on my behaviors... ummm eekk I still numb out... It takes so much courage to tell someone how you feel... honestly how you feel... sometimes it takes a lot more courage to tell yourself how you honestly feel.
I'm reading a book that is really good until it drops off on the deep end: Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life
It holds the same approaches I have except for the whole reincarnated thing... I just brush over that part. The rest is really good. Some of the exercises are relatively easy... and some are not. It has you really dig at the core beliefs that you maintain so that you can change them. It provides affirmations to help in the process... It hits all areas to include your beliefs about money. I know for a fact that my parents taught me horrible things about money and relationships... I hope I have enough focus to forge ahead and change the beliefs that are running my life... I'm tired of always worrying about money and if I will ever find someone who is not a POS!
Side note: my back hurts everyday... I have an MRI of my lower back and my neck tomorrow... I'm slightly terrified that physical therapy won't fix it (BTW I start physical therapy on Wednesday) I've worked with so many people who struggle with chronic pain and I sooo don't want to be one of them. I hope that in resolving some of these irrational beliefs I maintain I am able to manage my stress better and reduce my pain. Sometimes it is easier to give advice than it is to take it...