I seemed to be able to see everyone's blogs now. So random. I did nothing for several weeks and ta da it works! I'm sad sometimes when I read everyone's blogs cause I realize I haven't been involved like I wish I was. I've always struggled with balance. The boys keep me super busy. And now Logan is gone for 6 weeks. I've concluded I hate the last day of school. I managed most of the day. But at the end a friend at work came and visited with me. We talked about Logan. She asked how long he'd be gone. I said 6 weeks. She cried. And well I did too. I've grown to really dislike being home alone. Makes me sad.
I need to loose 10 lbs by oct 6th. I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my cousins wedding!!! Yippy.

Help

I downloaded the blogger app on my phone in hopes in increasing the probability of me keeping up with it. However I can't figure out how to view other blogs and I seemed to have lost dee dee and Tia as friends/ followers. Anyone have any tips?

I miss working out.
Ritalin is a hit or miss. IDK
I don't eat all the time now.
Focus isn't always better and sometimes I feel sickish to my tummy.
When it wears off sometimes I'm hungry, but really too tired to care to eat.
I miss working out.
I got my full license. YAY
I'm negotiating my raise.
CEO and I do not see I to I.. ha
Clinical Director is supportive of me, so that's cool. She is assisting me with negotiating.
Apparently, I never really made as much money as I thought... which was kind of funny when I realized that... oops that sentence was too loooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggg.
I miss working out.
Logan loves Baseball.
Logan loves Jesus and God and Church.
I wish I was a better planner so I could have traditions.
I don't like NOT having traditions.
I am NOT on Ritalin right now.
I didn't know what Devon was doing for Easter until I texted him today about 3pm.
His Easter does not involve me. Cause I do not involve him.
His grandparents have traditions.
I'm spending Easter with my friend Lisa's family.
It didn't occur to me to try and plan something with my family.
I get my lack of planning from my mom.
We were sad about that.
Perhaps I will do better on the next important holiday.
First Easter with Logan in 3 years.
Happy Easter!!!!

For years I have wanted to move to the Metroplex. I grew up going there and have always loved it. I decided after returning to Angelo that I will move to the Metroplex once Devon has graduated high school which is next year. Over the past several months I have become close to a group of people through various sports. Logan has had the same coach for each of his sports; football, basketball, and now baseball. There are 4 boys that have been together on each of these teams and our families are getting to know each other well. Logan and Elijah have known each other since they were 4. Our families are growing close. Logan was added to this baseball team solely on the fact that he is part of this core... I found out today that Logan will now be allowed to stay at Fort Concho for 4 and 5th grade and continue to be in a confined group of GT students. While they have not made Ft Concho the official GT magnet school they are now giving parents the option to stay there. Apparently an entire 3rd grade class opted to do this last year and now the 4th grade GT teacher from Santa Rita who was not needed because these kids opted to stay at Ft Concho has now been hired to teach at Ft Concho. I figure by the time Logan gets to the 4th grade Ft Concho will be officially the magnet school. Which is awesome. They are working on a program to bump the kids a grade in math so that when they reach the 6th grade they can go straight into the AP class or something along those lines.
So I started writing this while on hold... I'm done holding and talking and don't feel much like saying anything else so THE END

LPC - INtern

I just discovered I majorly screwed up on counting my hours back in August. I didn't transfer my cumulative hours correctly.... The result of this mess is that I REALLY Finished my hours FEB 20th!! I have missed out on a month worth of substantial raise! Damn It... Lesson learned Always double check your work especially when it involves money!

Sometimes I think I want to throw out all of my rugs... then I think man I would love to have carpet!

I want to move

Or something... I don't like it when logan isn't here... I get blahs... I found myself very bored yesterday... I didn't like it. There were plenty of things to do, but none that I wanted to; ie clean my house... so I did it today. BLAH. I was so glad when logan came home. I just want to UGH. So my poor child tells me that his father tells him "are you a boy or a girl" Logan says "a boy" his father "boys need to live with boys and girls live with girls" OMG!!! Logan cried to me saying Mom I don't want to have to make this decision. It's too hard. I said oh baby don't you worry you do NOT have to make this decision at all that is what I am here for. I told him I'm sorry his father is putting this adult weight on him, but that I am here to take that weight off of him. We hugged. He smiled. All is better in Logan's world. He is glad to be home. OMG he told me that he ate corndogs and drank root beer all week except for the one time he had pizza and the one dr pepper he drank. He took one bath and changed his clothes ones. He fell days ago scaping his knee and came home in the same wripped jeans. Logan says that his dad was proud of him for handling it like a man. WHAT? He's 8. Logan said his dad wasn't even mad about him tearing his jeans... I thought of course not he doesn't have to worry about buying more! I have to keep myself in check because Ralph seems to be focused on when Logan turns 12 he gets to pick where he lives and apparently he is okay with trying to coax him now by telling him boys live with boys. I have to remind myself that there is no way Logan would want to leave his life and settle for a part time parent all of the time... I get leary that Ralph is going to try something... I just don't trust him and he has expendable money. He lives off his parents and girlfriend and lawyer... apparently he just moves between the three homes so no rent he has his car payment, insurance, cell phone and what else of yeah DRUGS! he can't afford a home because he has DRUGS! God is testing me I know he is. I shall pray Ralph gets better... I'm hungry HA there's something random for ya ;+)

Logan

So Logan has really been jacking with me lately. He has talked about moving to his dads more than once.. He has concluded that it is not in his best interest, but he does miss his dad... and then he talks about living with him again... Ugh he is killing. Oh it gets better... so one day I was amazed at how fast he reads. FYI - I'm a super slow reader.. it has to do with the ADHD I think. LOL So I told Logan he must get his fast reading from his dad because his dad is a REALLY fast reader. Well hell that made his day. He got something good from his dad. Well that was weeks ago, but in all of his missing daddy stuff lately he has been bringing it up. He has asked me what other nice things I can say about his dad... OMG are you kidding me... well I love my kids more than anything so I suck it up and come up with some nice things like... he loves you very much, he's not a bad person.. pathetic right. I told him his dad has issues but that I don't want to get into that because it was adult stuff and he just isn't old enough I did explain PTSD in child terms. I found myself asking why the heck did I have to have children with addicts? Logan has been listening to country music a lot lately and he looks so sad like he wishes he could just hug his dad. Then I have all these mixed emotions... I'm angry and my heart hurts for Logan.
Side note: My ADHD inattentive type has been acting up bad. I had hoped that exercising could help with stress management and managing the ADHD; however, it doesn't seem to be helping much. If anything things have become worse since I started exercising, althought I don't think exercising is why. These past few days have been really FUCKING bad. I've been almost in tears for like 2 days. My mind is so jumbled. I am forgetting things and finding it so frustrating I called my doctor to see about getting back on Ritalin... lol oh the irony... I just realized I have no real idea when my appointment is... HA I hope I put it in my phone or wrote it down. Oh well, perhaps I will call Dr. Forlano's office again to double check, if I can remember. After all they wanted to schedule me an annual pap with Dr. Novack instead of an annual physical with Dr. Forlano.
Hey I think I only hit 2 topics... that's amazing! Good night

oh so freaking hungry!!!

It's making me sick :+P  So this morning I got onto Logan because well he just wasn't listening or out right disobeying... yep outright disobeying. anyway, so Logan is sitting on my bed this morning waiting for me to finish getting ready for work and he informs me that his father told him when he is 12 he can pick where he lives... I explained that it is NOT that simple. I told him that it would require a judge to intervene unless both parents agree. Logan then asked... Would you let me go live with my dad? I promptly said NO... sorry son, but NO. Then we began to talk about why. I told him to think about how life is during the short bits of time he is there and pointed out that all of his time would be like that. I reminded him of how bored he was at Thanksgiving and Christmas and that he called me like every day. I told him we didn't need to finish discussing it later cause he was getting upset and he had to go to school. Sooo after school I asked Logan if he thought about what we talked about this morning... Ha he said me not minding... I said umm no, your dad. Logan said, Oh. As much as I miss him. I don't think it would be worth it to live with him!!! Damn that kid is smart.
PS my PMS is killing me... so tired.... got that stupid period migraine today... and a little pissy when Devon told me his whole freaking family is going to the powerlifting meet this weekend. I mean it's good that they are going to support him, but where the HELL were they the whole freaking season. And I'm inches closer to smacking that stupid lady at work... and I may have told several people Ooops. Bye now

127.5

UGH! 10.5 lbs over my ultimate goal which I had managed to reach briefly in August I think. I think I am bloated from PMS or something since I don't really have periods. I did have some spotting today. I know I was retaining water like crazy last week. My fingers swelled like little sausages... it was kind of funny. So I'm going to bitch a little bit... I know SHOCKER HA. I'm not really angry just a little annoyed! Work has been super busy which is awesome cause I'm trying to use the power of the Secret to get me a big FAT raise! However, my work has not been the only part of RCH that has been crazy. The clinical department hasn't had a clear head to lead them for about a month... It has been chaos. I have 19 peeps in my outpatient program. there are 7 inpatient adult psych 11 adult chemical dependency. Each of their programs have a therapist... Umm hello it is just me in outpatient... If I am not bitching... Please do not bitch to me about your job. HELLO!!! Let's do the math! Side note Same person... If you are overweight and unhappy about it, but not doing anything to help yourself and I am unhappy about my weight and AM doing something about it DO NOT berate me because I am smaller than you!! I am 5'3" I will always be smaller than someone who is 5'10". If I weigh 117 lbs at 5'3" it is okay... If you weigh the same at 5'10" you are anorexic!!! OMGosh
Other side note Different person... I know this is my personal issue and nothing mean was meant by it (which was made obvious by the apology) PLEASE WORLD COULD YOU JOIN ME IN MY DELUSION THAT I DO NOT HAVE A BIG NOSE!!!! For those of you who don't know I fucking hate my nose... It took me a long time to stop obsessing over it... ONE little statement even one followed by an apology tends to send me spiralling down. I would love to accidentally break my nose so I could have surgery. Would one of you be a friend and break my nose for me? LOL UGH I wanted to cry. It is so stupid. Nothing mean was even said. I was talking about my teeny tiny ears and wrist and it was pointed out that my nose wasn't as tiny as the rest of me. And that I make someone else feel better about their nose... maybe that was kind of mean, but I know it wasn't meant to be mean. She quickly apologized.
PS I wish I could stop eating... it's that PMS insatiable hunger!

I did Zumba today

And my friend Lisa and I are talking about training to run a 5k... eventually! I weighed in at the doctors office at 129... OMG I wanted to puke! lol to be lighter HA No more Zumba for me. Logan starts baseball next Tuesday and has practice Tues and Thur from 5:30 to 7 and some Saturdays. Uhg that's a lot of practice. Logan says it's okay cause he needs it. Ha So next Friday I'm roadtripping to umm well that's to be determined, but somewhere around Sundown for Devon's powerlifting. I'm kind of excited. I asked my friend Dana to join me, but part of me kind of wants to go alone... IDK I never get a moment alone. It's nice sometimes... It would also be nice to split the motel cost! Alright bed time Nite!

Axl Rose made me run today

tomorrow I may hate him! HA I found this warm fuzzy feeling inside me today... I think it was happy ;+) I found out that Logan is on a baseball team with his friends from upward and Karl his coach for football and basketball is going to coach his baseball team... I almost cried I was so releaved and happy cause that kid don't know how to play and I don't know how to teach him... I didn't learn much in teeball. HA Anyway, I told Karl that I really appreciated him putting Logan on his team. Karl said he didn't even look at the scores he just looked at names. He said "we are already a team. I know it will be a great season because the kids get along". I thought awe my baby belongs... I really almost cried. I'm thinking if I had periods now would be the time of month I'd have it. I'm a bit bloated. Logan was happy cause when he doesn't do so good he knows his friends will have his back! poor baby needs a father to teach him how to play baseball... ugh ok I have so much more I could say and share and probably should at some point in time, but not tonight I'm tired... Thank you Axl

The inner diet

So i get these emails from Daily Fit... ummm daily! HA


<><> <><> <><> <><> <><>

<><> <><> <><> today's inspiration

<><> <><> Commitment Level <><> <><> By John H. Sklare, Ed.D, Lifescript Personal Coach <><> <><> Welcome to Part 6 of my 8-part series on emotional eating. The fifth most common issue that interferes with your ability to lose weight is called Commitment Level. According to my Inner Diet research, 28% of all overweight people who are dieting and trying to lose weight experience this issue... Get the full story http://www.innerdiet.com/theProgram.aspx There have been several of these daily emails I have found very interesting... I even share them with my group... Thought I might share with you guys too!

Some ties are hard to break...

Others aren't!!!

Here is an email between me and... that's right, Jim:

Re: ‏

6:07 PM

To Jim Perez

From:	Lacy Slaughter (lacyrslaughter@hotmail.com)
Sent:	Thu 2/23/12 6:07 PM
To:	Jim Perez (jim_zeppy@yahoo.com)

Stop contacting me

Sent from my iPhone

On Feb 23, 2012, at 9:37 AM, "Jim Perez" <jim_zeppy@yahoo.com> wrote:

For what it's worth.. U were right.. About my need for therapy and that I was to much to handle ... The Jim today doesn't like the Jim I was to u .. Just a few short months I can see the difference in my tht process.. .. If u still have the same number .... I hope u hear me for who i am today and not the pain i may have caused.... I wish I was mature enuff to have handled our situation differently... Cause I did want u for MY forever ... And I know this because .. I can't seem to get u out of my head ... I think of our first kiss in my garage ... Over and over again .. ..I will never forgive myself ...cause my relationship with Logan was awesome!! And I lost him in the process ... If u ever find it in ur heart to take a look .. My number will be the same ... I hope ur well I miss u both so very much .... Jim

Zeppy

For the record... At the point in time I ended it I felt NO pain... In fact, I kind of laughed at his shear stupidity. For those who may not know or don't remember he called me a niggar whore and told me to fuck off and die... lol it still makes me laugh! I finally woke up and realized I was in a horribly abusive relationship and I was way fucking better than that!. I'm still pissed at myself for putting up with all that I did for that stupid glimmer of hope that I could be done with the whole dating thing and have my happily ever after... The truth is Jim was too fucking short for my taste. I really am that shallow and I had convinced myself that was something bad... um I have reconsidered that and decided that I'm done with dating people I'm not really attracted to; i.e. Sim, Shea, Jim... Let's face it, Chris was really cute, but maybe just a little to clean cut for my taste. So the only way of contacting me he has left is to come by my house... I have no problems with calling the cops for any reason I deem necessary. I have blocked him on facebook and on my phone which is why he thinks I have a different number or something ...
I could totally analyze this email... it's really funny how clear things are when there are no emotions involved. You know all that stuff I have read (i.e. Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood) makes perfect sense... I'm at a loss as to why I allowed myself to buy into all those things I know are RED FLAGS... Stupid emotions!!! I have concluded I have to get over this stupid HOPELESS Romantic crap I have been stricken with my Whole life becaues it is HOPELESS!
PS Seeing La in her beautiful wigs makes me want to have long hair or wigs myself! HA

Soo Busy

Hmm. Let's see. I've been busy. I took Rj to eat sushi at Nakamura last Friday night and it was delicious!!! They have fried oreos; i.e. the best thing since fried bananas!!!! HA. Then he suckered me into taking him to Midnight Rodeo, btw did you know that Grahams closed lol where have I been. It was lame. Some country band was playing so it cost $15 each which obviously I paid since he is unemployed. I think he and I were the only ones there that didn't know who the band was... oops. I sat and played hanging with friend and read an article on Adele until he told me I could go home.... I was super tired the next morning when I got up to get ready to head to Eldorado to watch Devon powerlift. My mom sadly sent me a text when I got out of the shower letting me know that Chico, her puppy dog, passed away that morning. I had to wake Rj and send him home. Mom was really sad. Then Devon asked me where Rj was and I had to tell him cause I'm not lying to my kid, and he was sad... Anyway, Devon did good, but not good enough so he is going to another meet in Strawn on Friday. FYI it is 3 hours away... good thing I'm taking Friday off. Road Trip!!! Anyone want to join? When I made it home Saturday evening I ate then went to sleep. I slept from about 730 til 1030 then again back to bed by midnight and slept til 1015... then a nap around 3pm.. I was sleepy! It was nice to have the house to myself. I almost felt guilty for sleeping so much, but then decided not to. I emailed the peeps at Sadie's Rescue and they confirmed that it is basically impossible to find a home for 2 large 9 yr old dogs. They suggested that since I'm so busy I walk my 2 dogs twice a day for 20 mins each and give them lots of toys!!! HAAAAA yeah right! I can't even walk me once a day for 20mins. I made it to the gym 3 times last week and haven't made it back. I'm hoping to go tomorrow after basketball practice. ugh this weather is getting me. I have a sinus headache that won't stop... so I think I'm done rambling for now...

sleepy tired

Apparently I have moved my bedtime to midnight or later which really sucks cause I have a hard enough time getting up in the morning as it is. There doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. I managed to make it to the gym tonight... by myself... ooooo I hate that. I did the tredmill for 30 mins and messed around on some of the equiptment. i did not feel like I got a workout. Logan on the other hand had a blast during open swim... It was crazy for me to just leave him in there, but hey he survived. It was kind of funny, once the old ladies got out of the pool from doing the water aerobics it was like little boys came out of the woodworks... they were everywhere... Logan had a blast, planning to go again after bball practice tomorrow night. So far loving the Y LOL I've only been twice HA

I love you guys!!!

Thanks lady's for all of your support. Please tell me more about this place you pay $50 to find a home for your dogs cause I will totally do it. The dad thing... I just need to grow some balls and do it. LOL my mom is sooooooo ready to kick him out for me. The guy things... I'm in mommy mode I have no time for anything more in my life... my kids are it. It just sucks when Logan is always wanting a man around and then I feel like SHIT I don't the last one sucked a bit more than your dad! HA. I get that single mom guilt thing easy then I harp on myself because I couldn't give either of my kids a home with their mom and dad and wonder what is wrong with me? I struggle with seeing couples... I need to disconnect from fb i think because I find myself tortureing myself by looking up people I knew growing up and seeing their happy little families... I get some relief when I find those that are like me with a couple of kids from a couple of different people... ANYWAYS enough about that... I utilized my new Y membership for the first time tonight and attended a Zumba class... I was glad my friend Val from work was there to push me along cause I almost walked out without doing anything... when did I get to be so insecure? I seriously pulled into the parking lot and had to talk myself into going in because I saw people coming and going and I know the big muscular guy at the desk and he use to smile at me when he worked at River Crest and I got all uncomfortable and stuff... LOL I think he was just being nice. NO NOT interested in him... He is wayyyyy too young! Anyway, Valerie talked me into staying and I think I might actually go back.  I survived the entire hour of Zumba. I had a hard time with my feet on the Latin dance parts but the hip hop pounding part (LOL I don't know a better way to describe it) was really fun I got so into when the song was over I thought I was going to puke... That's when you know you have worked hard! I'm gonna hurt tomorrow! Hopefully I will get a good nights sleep tonight... Sweet dreams... <3

Laura did it first...

But I had already planned on pouring my heart out to you guys... not so much for any reason other than I just need to get this shit off my chest... I am so fucking exhausted! I hate my dogs... so please please please if you know anyone who is willing to take on 2 9 yr old weimarners please let me know I will give them away in a heart beat... but I can't seem to put them down, although that may change. I need my dad to move out just because his very presence pisses me off. spending time at home this weekend made me realize 2 things: 1. I'm never home this much 2. I really hate how I feel when I'm at home. Logan has been on this kick about wanting a man in the house... not a lazy one (he was talking about my dad - he may listen to me a little too much... oops) He talked to his father friday before this past cause he was really missing him so I told him to call his father, since his father never fucking calls him. So a couple of weeks ago Logan told his coach that he doesn't like it when I crochet at practice and not watch him. His coach informed me on fb, which really got under my skin. I of course explained to Logan that he needs to be paying attention to practice and not what I am doing while he is suppose to be practicing. I made the comment to my friend Lisa that if I allowed Logan to he would consume my every moment cause he only ever gets attention from me. Then this past Saturday I told his coach Logan won't be here this weekend for the game cause he was going to see his dad. His coach is a jokester and was saying that's not allowed. Logan comes back with, well how would you feel if you didn't get to see your son everyday... yeah that shut his coach up and almost made me cry. So this weekend he has been telling what his ideal dad would be like... basically pay attention to him and not smoke. He's a good boy and lets me know that I am better than his ideal mom. I never wanted to do this by myself and I keep repeating my mistakes I wish I could just learn my lesson and move on with things. After this last mess I got myself into I really have no desire to venture into anything with anyone... I can't even imagine myself with anyone which is exactly how this crap works. You get into bad relationships then conclude that you are better off alone... up until the point someone says all the right things and you are back in a bad relationship again. I tell my patients all of the time that healthy people don't end up in unhealthy relationships because they run when those red flags go up instead of oh hey that's not that bad... I can forgive you this time... well he's working on that issue... It's all crap! I wish I could accept that I deserve better... I wish I would trust myself. I wish I could believe that I am good enough... cause that's where the real issue is. No matter what I accomplish how I look in the back of my head is always the thought... I'll never be good enough... the kind of person I would want would never want me so I have to settle which is what I have always done... Well not with Ralph the first time I didn't think I settled because I thought he was something he wasn't. I had no reason to think that he had no drive or ambition he had accomplished so much in such a short period of time... FYI today would have been out 3 year anniversary for the second marriage... apparently it's still hard. I don't think it's because of him, but because I failed twice. All I ever wanted was a career and family (husband included). ok... I'm sick of this... for those of you who have made it all the way thru this nonsensical mess thanks for reading and for the others...

So happy you make me want to puke!!!

That's what one of my patients told me the other day. I thought holy shit I must be doing something wrong cause I think my kid and my dad would say.... I'm mostly crabby. I think things are seriously out of balance in my life! I'm joining the Y tomorrow but who knows when I will get there to work out... not tomorrow. Weewaa. Probably not Saturday or Sunday... Hopefully Monday. I wish someone would take my dogs and my dad! HA I wish I could stand up for myself without feeling guilty and just tell my dad I need him to go... I finally realized it is about me and I need this regardless of him having a job or not. To my surprise he thought if he had a job he would just stay here and my thought was he would move... I need to communicate better apparently. I want to simplify my life sooooo bad cause I feel overwhelmed all the time. But hey I've got my patients fooled I guess I'm hiding it well! LOL that is exactly what I preach to them about doing! I have gained weight, but I don't know how much cause I don't wake up in enough time to weigh cause i'm going to bed between 12 and 1am every  morning so I wake up way too late... I've stopped wearing makeup other than powder and mascara. Sorry you guys don't get the super happy always positive me... I use it all up at work!!!! weewaa

Comments

Apparently when I thought I couldn't comment on anyone's blog so I stopped trying and didn't blog anymore... I was wrong or sleeping or something...HA I'm back!!! We'll see how long this lasts!!!!