Laura did it first...

But I had already planned on pouring my heart out to you guys... not so much for any reason other than I just need to get this shit off my chest... I am so fucking exhausted! I hate my dogs... so please please please if you know anyone who is willing to take on 2 9 yr old weimarners please let me know I will give them away in a heart beat... but I can't seem to put them down, although that may change. I need my dad to move out just because his very presence pisses me off. spending time at home this weekend made me realize 2 things: 1. I'm never home this much 2. I really hate how I feel when I'm at home. Logan has been on this kick about wanting a man in the house... not a lazy one (he was talking about my dad - he may listen to me a little too much... oops) He talked to his father friday before this past cause he was really missing him so I told him to call his father, since his father never fucking calls him. So a couple of weeks ago Logan told his coach that he doesn't like it when I crochet at practice and not watch him. His coach informed me on fb, which really got under my skin. I of course explained to Logan that he needs to be paying attention to practice and not what I am doing while he is suppose to be practicing. I made the comment to my friend Lisa that if I allowed Logan to he would consume my every moment cause he only ever gets attention from me. Then this past Saturday I told his coach Logan won't be here this weekend for the game cause he was going to see his dad. His coach is a jokester and was saying that's not allowed. Logan comes back with, well how would you feel if you didn't get to see your son everyday... yeah that shut his coach up and almost made me cry. So this weekend he has been telling what his ideal dad would be like... basically pay attention to him and not smoke. He's a good boy and lets me know that I am better than his ideal mom. I never wanted to do this by myself and I keep repeating my mistakes I wish I could just learn my lesson and move on with things. After this last mess I got myself into I really have no desire to venture into anything with anyone... I can't even imagine myself with anyone which is exactly how this crap works. You get into bad relationships then conclude that you are better off alone... up until the point someone says all the right things and you are back in a bad relationship again. I tell my patients all of the time that healthy people don't end up in unhealthy relationships because they run when those red flags go up instead of oh hey that's not that bad... I can forgive you this time... well he's working on that issue... It's all crap! I wish I could accept that I deserve better... I wish I would trust myself. I wish I could believe that I am good enough... cause that's where the real issue is. No matter what I accomplish how I look in the back of my head is always the thought... I'll never be good enough... the kind of person I would want would never want me so I have to settle which is what I have always done... Well not with Ralph the first time I didn't think I settled because I thought he was something he wasn't. I had no reason to think that he had no drive or ambition he had accomplished so much in such a short period of time... FYI today would have been out 3 year anniversary for the second marriage... apparently it's still hard. I don't think it's because of him, but because I failed twice. All I ever wanted was a career and family (husband included). ok... I'm sick of this... for those of you who have made it all the way thru this nonsensical mess thanks for reading and for the others...